2001 - Pregnancy and Birth

My house, located in the same building as the base for my business, was quite well suited to cope with Marie's agoraphobia. I was mostly on the premises, and when I wasn't, other members of staff were; in the evenings, on the rare occasions that I had to go out, some of my older children were present. Marie never had to be on her own. Marie also liked the fact that I had 2 dogs, both pretty vocal if strangers dared to enter the living accommodation. We also had enough space for Marie's mother to come and stay for a few days when she wanted to.

The first three months of Marie's pregnancy were extremely difficult for her. She vomited all day and all night. There was no respite. She could do nothing but stay in bed all the time. Being agoraphobic was no handicap at this time! But she pulled through without losing too much weight or becoming dehydrated. Then one day the nausea ceased - as if someone had turned off the switch.

Above - Marie could get out more when pregnant. She's about 8 months pregnant in the picture. Here she is enjoying a splash in the river with one of our dogs.

The local Maternity Services were brilliant!

From the start, every possible assistance was given to Marie to cope with her pregnancy and agoraphobia simultaneously. We could park right outside the buildings. Marie had her Ultrasound examinations in a unit beside the door of the Maternity building (normally this took place deep in the bowels of the main hospital). I was to be allowed to stay with Marie at all times during any hospitalisation before the birth (if required, but as it turned out Marie had a text-book pregnancy - everything went perfectly), during the birth and after the birth if for any reason Marie was detained in hospital.

Marie's agoraphobia lessened a little during the pregnancy. We were able to go shopping for all the requirements essential for the new baby - cot, pram, cupboard, chair, car seat, baby supplies bag...the list seemed endless, but as the pregnancy wore on with both Marie and baby in the best of health, it was a joy to provide all the necessities (and some luxuries, too!) for the expected new arrival.

Marie did worry about how she was going to cope with the next visit to wherever, or the injections, etc., but each time she coped admirably.

The ultrasound images couldn't tell us what sex the baby was, but we were expecting a girl. This was because 4 of my 5 children were girls and it is a medical fact that older men tend to produce female babies. However, just to be on the safe side, we didn't buy much girls-only stuff!

Kate prepares for labour in the delivery suite.

There was a false labour, but the real thing came almost perfectly on time. Marie's agoraphobic fears meant that she was afraid to have an enema, drugs or gas to assist with childbirth. However there were some paracetamol tablets provided. Kate declined these, too, when offered. I had a bit of a headache, so I took them instead!

Marie took up the squatting position for the birth and I did what I could by way of verbal encouragement and lower back massage. After only 45 minutes labour, the baby began its journey down the birth canal. At the bend, the baby seemed to get stuck and its heartbeat got weaker and slower... The midwife pressed the alarm for the cavalry. However, just as the emergency team were taking up position, the baby moved again and a head covered with black hair appeared. Then, after what seemed to me to be an interminable wait, the rest of the body emerged and Joseph took his first breath.

Yes, against all our expectations, we had a boy! He had all the correct bits in the correct places, weighed the correct amount and seemed to be perfect in every way. Marie, though exhausted, began breast feeding almost immediately after baby was examined. That went like clockwork, too.

Joseph latches on first time!

The next morning, the three of us left the hospital to go home. But Marie, proud of her previous evening's work (and justifiably so!) somehow found a reserve of energy to go to the local baby supplies supermarket (Mothercare) for some "boy" clothes for our baby! She managed to walk around the store without exhibiting any of her agoraphobic behaviour patterns (although she still had her coat, mobile phone and heavy shopping-bag sized handbag).

Things were looking up!

2000 - Staying at Emily's

Marie...

...Needed somewhere to live, close to me, since her family home was so far away. I knew Emily, an extremely nice young lady of a similar age to Marie, who happened to have a spare room. Emily was married and had 2 children. Marie had a look at the room (small double), met Emily, explained about her agoraphobia, and it was all settled. Emily rarely went out mostly due to her own mental health issues, and if she had to when I wasn't available, her in-laws would happily look after Marie.

This arrangement worked admirably, and not only had Marie somewhere to live, but as time passed, kind, sympathetic and empathetic Emily became her friend. They are still friends. When she wasn't with me, Marie stayed at Emily's in the evenings, nights and weekends. She returned to work, and thus stayed at my business premises during the days.

Kind-hearted Emily with the
4th & youngest of her children.

Marie needed a bed of her own since the single bed provided by Emily was not very suitable for our frequent nocturnal activities, and too cramped to relax comfortably afterwards. Marie's agoraphobia had lessened its grip about this time, but she surprised me by going into a furniture store and climbing the stairs to the first floor to choose a bed and matress! The next day, we went around a few shops to pick some bed linen. She began to go into shops and walk short distances along streets in shopping areas on a regular basis - always requiring me to accompany her. She still had her heavy handbag and a coat with her at all times, but I had managed to persuade her to leave the camcorder at home. Marie explored shops with amazement - more like a girl than a woman. It had been about 6 years since she had been able to go shopping properly! Her wardrobe began to grow.

Things were slowly but consistently moving forward for Marie when...

Marie and best friend, Claire

I...

...Soon realised that I was becoming totally besotted with Maria. This not only caused me incredible happiness, but also serious worry. The worry was to do with the age gap between us. Marie was only 21, and I more than twice that! There was a huge variation in other people's attitudes to our relationship. In general, women considered the relationship tacky, while men considered me to be incredibly lucky!

And then there were my (5!) children to think of. Their ages varied from only 9 years younger than Marie to 4 years older! I begged her on many occasions to consider the problems that these matters would cause, but she kept assuring me that she would be able to cope. And what of the longer term? Did I want more children? I had more or less assumed that I was finished producing offspring. And I certainly didn't want Marie to have any children while she was still agoraphobic, when...

We...

...Discovered that Marie was pregnant.

I wondered if I really wanted to have more children.

Marie wondered how she could cope with visiting the doctor - or - even worse - going to the hospital. Marie's mother rushed up to see her. She decided that Marie wasn't strong enough to have a baby ("She was never strong" she told me) and called the Doctor, who - on her description of Marie's health alone - decided that a termination would be the best course of action and promptly called a clinic to arrange it. So Marie and her mother went back to the family home to prepare for the procedure the next day,

I felt that Marie was getting rushed into a termination without giving it proper consideration. That evening, I had a very long conversation on the phone with her, when we were able to discuss all the aspects and consequences of the matter undisturbed and where each of the two courses of action might lead us.

After much hard soul-searching, we decided to carry on with the pregnancy. And then it was simply a logical progression that Marie should move in with me.

That wasn't the end of my problems and it was the start of a really bad episode in Jenna's life.

Who is Jenna? A bit of a long tale, but Jenna appears quite often in Marie's story... Click here for more information.

Jenna

Jenna was born in 1984 and is the result of a casual affair while I was married and living in Ireland. I might not ever have known that she existed except that a mutual friend informed me about her when Jenna was about 3 months old. Jenna's mother, Heather, after some persuading, let me see her. Heather lived with her widowed mother and some other family members. I saw Jenna irregularly for about the next 2 years - partly my fault (it was during my unreliable period) but mostly Jenna's mother's family's fault. They didn't want me around and would make me feel unwelcome when I visited the family home. I also wasn't allowed to take Jenna out on my own. I kept the whole matter secret from my wife (at Heather's request - she didn't want to be the cause of the breakup of my marriage - but it suited me also) and other family members except for my sister who became very friendly with Heather. Heather and Jenna and my sister and her daughter Carisa spent idyllic days chatting and playing and often I would visit and join in.

Then Heather got a boyfriend. Soon afterwards I was banned from seeing my daughter. I begged Heather to change her mind, arguing that this course of action would be detrimental to Jenna's future. She refused. I requested that she go to Social Services for advice. She refused. I pleaded with her boyfriend to argue my case with Heather. He agreed to do so and later told me that she wouldn't change her mind (although years later I found out that he lied - he didn't want me to see Jenna, either). Since I wasn't married to Jenna's mother I had no legal rights to access to her - as the law was at that time. Not long afterwards, Heather stopped calling with my sister, which upsets my sister to this day.

Years later, I moved to England, and Heather and Jenna moved to a new address which Heather didn't want me to know.

Twelve and a half years later, Heather let Jenna contact me for the first time. By this time all my family knew about the "missing" daughter. Jenna had been asking to see me for several years but her mother didn't want this to happen. She was suffering from depression, anxiety and irritable bowel syndrome. She was a mess; and I think that this is what made her mother relent and see me after all these years. I can't explain the depth of feelings that I felt when we met a few months later in Ireland, and I know that Jenna had similarly strong emotions. We couldn't see enough of each other.

Jenna spent 14 weeks in England during the following year. Eventually we settled into a pattern of visits. Jenna would see me (and the rest of the family she hadn't previously known about) every 2 months for varying durations. Unfortunately, I turned out not to be the knight in shining armour that Jenna wanted, and she had problems with her mother's family who were still very much against her seeing me. Now she had additional problems to deal with - disappointment that I had been unable to solve her mental health problems and guilt about seeing me, knowing that her mother had not wanted this to happen. She also had rejection problems to deal with because her nearest-in-age half-sister, Colleen, resented the sudden expansion of her family. Life was anything but easy for Jenna, and one consequence was academic failure, despite her very high IQ. Among other consequences were her depression, which led to suicide attempts and self-harm; her worsening IBS; acute hypochondria; and anxiety, including some agoraphobic tendencies.

When Marie came along, Jenna and Marie were able to empathise with each other. They got on extremely well and a friendship was beginning to bloom.

Then, suddenly, Marie started to think that Jenna and I might begin to have a relationship (some time in the future). This was a totally irrational fear - but aren't all phobias irrational? Jenna did exhibit some inappropriate behaviour patterns while with me - sitting on my knee, rubbing my chest... Perhaps I should have stopped her from doing these things, but I thought that she would grow out of them in time. I didn't want to upset her at the time, due to her fragile emotional state; but what happened was much, much worse. Marie banned her from my (now our) home. Furthermore, she wouldn't let me talk to her on the phone unless she listened in, and she had to see any letters or cards that Jenna sent me.

Should I have acceded to her demands? To have refused would have meant not only losing Marie, who would return to her family home, but also our unborn child. Lose Jenna, potentially, or lose my unborn child - that was my choice. An impossible choice! It caused me intense anguish. I eventually chose the latter, hoping that the situation between Marie and Jenna would improve; and I also believed that abandoning my unborn child at that time would lead to him most probably having a poor quality upbringing due to his mother's condition and his grandmother's wish that he didn't exist at all!

Predictably, Jenna's mental health quickly deteriorated...and there wasn't a thing I could do...

Did I do the right thing??