Anxiety sufferers corner

I thought it was quite unusual when I found out that my new next door neighbour has agoraphobia.

But what are the chances of the lady next door to her also having agoraphobia?

Pretty remote, I hear you say.  And you'd be right.  But yet, it's true.  She has.  Which explains why until recently I had never seen her.

There is a chap with a little Scottie dog called Bob who lives next door to my next door neighbour.  The chap is called Bob, not the Scottie dog.  Bob is in his early 60's, I'm guessing, and very pleasant.  We both walk our dogs, and when we meet he will chat to me about the weather and other similarly interesting topics as his little dog checks out my dog's genitalia, and vice versa.  I knew that he had a partner living with him.  He mentions her sometimes.  But I don't remember ever seeing her.

When my new next door neighbours moved in, Bob introduced himself and offered his assistance should they need anything.  From time to time, my neighbours would see the shadowy image of a lady moving around behind the net curtains of the cottage.  But why did she not ever appear outside?

Sometimes they would speculate about this.  She might be being held there against her will - a sex slave or something.  An illegal immigrant.  Or a recluse.  Or some type of ethereal being - not a real person at all...

One day they spotted a lady getting out of Bob's car.  Introductions were exchanged.  She was Bob's partner.

"You won't see me outside often," the lady said.  "I'm a bit agoraphobic."

An agoraphobic neighbour on both sides?  That was something they had never considered.  They swapped symptoms.  Seems this lady has mostly recovered from her agoraphobia.  She can go most places that she wants to go to.  She just feels uncomfortable sometimes and prefers to stay indoors.

What's more, her partner, my neighbour with the Scottie dog, Bob, has anxiety issues too.

Could you live in a village like this? 

I'm thinking of starting up a colony for anxiety sufferers.  There are five here already, living in three adjacent houses.  A little anxiety sufferers' corner.  Want to join our colony?  Contact me and I'll put your name down on the waiting list.  As properties in close proximity to our ours become available to rent/purchase, I'll contact you.  


We could have our own self-help group.  We could bulk buy therapy sessions.  Specialist doctors specialising in health anxiety could move to the area.  Disability payment claims could be made en masse.  Local shops could be forced to become agoraphobia friendly.  They would have to open at midnight once per week to accommodate social anxiety sufferers.  Anyone else have similar suggestions?

In time, anxiety sufferers could become the majority of the population in this area.  Folk without anxiety issues would be the odd ones.  How weird would that be?  "He's a bit eccentric," you would hear locals say about a newcomer, "he's never had a panic attack!"

photo © Richard Knights

Autism - my son's visit

Colm visited us on Friday at midday, as arranged.  Collette and baby Lucas were here too.

I had several very urgent matters to attend to in my business...but I thought, hell, family is more important, so I took most of the day off.

Colm seemed to be good form and decided he wanted to stay until 7 pm, after dinner.  After briefly chatting to us and telling me that he wanted to phone his mother (so it wasn't just a flash in the pan),  he went into the kitchen to be by himself and to watch tv.  He likes his own company.   I tried to contact his mother, but there was no answer.  Colm didn't appear to be too worried by this - it's rare for his mum to answer the phone when we ring.  He went back to watching tv and eating everything in the house.

Around 4 pm, as Collette was getting ready to go home, Colm's (and Collette's) mother rang us.  Colm was overjoyed.

During the ensuing conversation, Colm's mum arranged to meet him when she comes to see her grandson, sometime in March.  She's going to take him on a shopping trip.

Uh-oh...  Shopping trips with mum are always trouble.

Colm handed me the phone.  "Mum tell you come March" he informed me, which meant that his mother wanted to explain to me about her forthcoming visit.  I was relieved to learn that she hadn't given Colm a firm date for her visit.  And no, she didn't want to talk to Collette just now.  

Colm always communicates using truncated sentences.  You get used to them after a while.  Makes you realise just how few words you really need to convey information.  

After the call ended, Colm asked Collette to take him back home.  My house is, he informed me, "wee bit boring".  I like it when Colm wants to go home.  It means that he's happy there.  It wasn't always like that...

Colm has been more relaxed since his visit home.  He is apprehensive about seeing his mum, but I told him that it wouldn't happen until the end of March or April.  If he's given a fixed date, he obsesses about it and, close to the time, has the worst anticipatory anxiety you can imagine.  I can easily persuade his mother not to take him on a shopping trip - they always end in disaster - she can take him to McDonald's instead.  That will please him and it's a much less threatening environment.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Collette later told me that, despite offering her the use of her spare room, her mother's visit is only going to be a day trip.  So she's not going to be the doting grandmother, then...  The photos which follow show what she's missing at the moment.

Autism - my son, his mother and the law

Colm has been exhibiting challenging behaviour over the last couple of weeks.

This happens when things aren't going the way he wants them to. The sort of things which wouldn't particularly bother you or me. Here's what was bothering him –

• His arm was in a plaster and he was fed up with it
• He wasn't able to see his new nephew for over a week, because he was hospitalised
• He was upset by the effects of the earthquake in Haiti
• The tumble dryer at his house had broken down.

Colm could have dealt with each of these problems on their own, but not all of them at the same time.

Colm's often can't explain why he is upset, so he will complain about something else – usually something else which he cannot change.

On this occasion he demanded to speak to his mother, visit her and stay with her for a week.

Seem like reasonable requests?

Colm has only seen his mother four times in the last 10 years. Two of those times were at his sisters' weddings, when both of them were present at the receptions. He only spent a couple of minutes with her on each occasion. On the other two occasions, his mother and her boyfriend at the time took Colm out for a meal and shopping. Both trips ended disastrously. On the first occasion, Colm's mother was banned from visiting his previous home by the management. On the second trip, she ended up leaving Colm, alone in my house for nearly an hour.  She does try her best, but unfortunately she doesn't know her son. Being autistic, Colm cannot be forced to do anything he doesn't want to do, but she still hasn't worked that out.

Colm speaks to his mother twice a year – on his birthday and on Christmas day.  Conversations last 1 – 2 minutes.  There used to be more phone contact, but Mum often didn't call when she had arranged to, or wasn't in when she was supposed to be. Colm, to whom routine is essential, is not able to tolerate this kind of behaviour and that is why there are just 2 calls per year now. In any case, Mum has never objected to this or asked for more contact.

So I had a dilemma. Should I let Colm contact his mother – and risk it upsetting him even more? What if she arranged to see him? I could handle the 4 hour trip to her home, but what about the 4 hour return trip with a potentially very upset young man?

I sought advice from his social worker, and she explained the current legal situation. It seems that Colm, and any other adult in similar circumstances, has the right to contact anyone of his choice – in this case, his mother - even if the receiver of the call doesn't want it and/or it would be a very upsetting experience for him – even if this course of action is likely to be detrimental to his state of mind. No one has the right to refuse this to him, without getting him officially declared “unfit” to make that decision. If things go badly, those who care for him have to deal with the repercussions as well as they can.

Colm lives semi independently in a house with 2 other lads, both of whom also have autism spectrum disorders. A team of carers monitor them 24 hours a day. I arranged with the carers to delay any contact with Colm's mother until he visited me. He is rarely distressed when visiting me or his siblings, so that would be an opportune time to call his mother. Or if we get lucky, he'll have totally changed his mind by then, and won't want to speak to her until his birthday in May.

Colm is visiting on Friday. It should be an enjoyable visit for him – sister Collette and her baby, Lucas, will also be here. Additionally, his plaster is being removed tomorrow, so that will be another of the causes of anxiety removed.

Wish us luck. I cannot express how heartbreaking it is to see Colm when he is distressed. And it must be 100 times worse for him...