Enabling agoraphobia

Last week I had a comment on my post "Stressed". The comment, from an anonymous contributor, included the following words...

"I just get this overwhelming sense that Marie is a victim to it [agoraphobia], and you are her enabler. I know this is something you touched on in the past.......it's just she's not going to get better by doing nothing."

....and it was odd how, at just that time, Marie and I were having a conversation about this.

We discussed how, in order to assist her to attend Collette's wedding, everyone pandered to her anxiety. We talked about how in the past she had been able to make progress by allowing herself to risk getting into a situation where having a panic attack was a distinct possibility. Recently she had even come through a small panic attack while driving in her car, and continued to make a 9 mile journey. And we both agreed that doing nothing would mean living this way, more or less, forever.

Knowing almost nothing about the consequences of my actions on Marie's agoraphobia when I first met her, I made many mistakes, some of which were major. The repercussions are still with us. With my acquiescence, Marie retreated from staying with almost anyone to staying with someone from small group of "safe" people. I got a mobile phone at her request and now it's essential that I carry it everywhere. I introduced a second car and now I cannot downsize. There are plenty more examples I could cite if required.

Now we both have eight years (long time!) of experience of living with agoraphobia, and it has been increasing in its severity. Simultaneously, we have been exploring possible "cures" and gathering as much information as possible about the efficacy of the available treatments. We have looked at the results of this long investigation. So now we know with absolute certainty that...

The way to eliminate agoraphobia is.....

Expose yourself to panic attacks, and gain strength from each one that you ride out.

Bit by bit agoraphobia will decrease in strength, and the fear of fear will reduce. Monophobia and OCD can be similarly dealt with. CBT, EFT, hypnotherapy and the like all rely, ultimately, on exposure to panic attacks.

In about a month, the children and I shall be going to Ireland for a break. Marie will have to stay behind. In August, the children and I shall be going to the island of Jersey for a holiday. It's very unlikely that Marie will be accompanying us. When I began a relationship with Marie, she already had agoraphobia, and I made the decision that even if it never went away, we could make a happy future together. Our children have created a different issue. We both agree that we should minimise the impact of Marie's agoraphobia on our children. If her anxiety condition remains undiminished, this would mean Marie sharing her children's lives less and less as time goes on.

Will this give her the strength to fight her anxiety? Only time will tell.

Agoraphobia & Collette's Wedding

On Thursday, Collette's big day had arrived. Her wedding day. The day which had caused Marie's anticipatory anxiety, and the day which was costing me thousands of £'s

Collette and the bridesmaids stayed with us the previous night and were busy all morning drinking champagne and getting ready. The downside - the bathroom was occupied most of the time. The upside - watching a succession of half-naked women running back and forward across the hall. When the photographer turned up at 1.00 pm, they were ready and Marie, the kids and I were pretty close to being ready, too. After the photographer did his bit, we all went to the wedding venue. How was Marie going to fare there? I had no idea.

When we arrived at the wedding venue, our two cars were placed where Marie felt that they would help her to keep her anxiety at a manageable level. Then she was able to enter the building with our children. Collette, the bridesmaids and I followed a few minutes later. After a short but pleasant civil ceremony, we assembled in various groups for the formal photographs. This was followed by a sumptuous four-course meal. After the hot beverages had been served, it was time for the speeches and champagne toasts. That completed, the dancing could begin, starting with a disco. Later a live band performed, and after a break for a buffet supper, they would play a second set and a disco would finish off the evening.

The first hurdle for Marie was the wedding ceremony. Success! She managed to sit near the front with the children.

The second hurdle was being able to join the rest of us for the formal group photographs. Another success! Marie, who had established a useful rapport with the photographer (the same one that attended our wedding almost two years ago), accomplished this task easily.

The third hurdle was Marie sitting beside me at the top table for the duration of the meal and the ensuing speeches. More success! Marie managed with some effort to get to her allotted seat, and was able to stay there and even become comfortable. This was what I had hoped for most. I was able to relax, which aided the delivery of my after dinner speech. As a consequence, my speech was exceedingly well received.

The fourth hurdle was getting to the toilets. Failure. Although only 6m away from her seat, Marie wasn't able to get to them. Instead she exited the wedding suite, drove to the other end of the complex and used the more accessible ladies' room there.

The fifth hurdle was to cope with the noise of a live band. Success again! After an initial bout of anxiety, Marie settled down to enjoy the band with the rest of the assembled guests.

There was a break in the music at 9.00 pm for a buffet supper, and then the band started up again. It was at this point that Marie's anxiety took over and she couldn't stay in the main room. So, after taking my leave from family and friends, we left. We only missed the last hour and a half. No big deal.

Collette wore a stunningly beautiful wedding dress which accentuated her slender figure and feminine curves. Her fiancé, Neil, exhibited an endearing humility and shyness. The two of them radiated happiness.

Although, as one would expect, all Collette's family were in attendance, there was one special appearance - her brother Colm. Colm came for a few hours during the evening part of the celebrations, brought there by staff from the home in which he lives. He really enjoyed himself and, being autistic, he is incapable of faking his emotions. His obvious and infectious enthusiasm added energy and life to the proceedings.

Collette's mother and her partner travelled for seven hours to attend the wedding. Although she does not have a close relationship with her children, they all made her feel welcome.

Neil's family were there too, of course. Marie and I had previously met many of them, and a fine group of people they are.

So the wedding was a great success for all - including my dear wife. She joined the rest of us in savouring a contented glow that evening. Collette and Neil additionally enjoyed their first night as a wedded couple and looked forward to their honeymoon in Mexico followed by a long and happy life together.

Collette is the third of my daughters to get married which means that there are two single daughters left. Collette's younger sister is only 2½ years old, so luckily I've got a few years to save up for her wedding! Her older sister Colleen, however, got engaged earlier this year, and has suggested that she may get married next summer - in Malta. If Marie is to attend that wedding, her agoraphobia will have to be significantly diminished.

STRESSED

I'm stressed.

I didn't realise how much stress I was under during Marie's anxiety sufferers' tour until I got home. I was totally exhausted. I did enjoy the few days away, but all the time I was away, I was worrying, consciously or subconsciously. Worries like...

• Will Marie feel comfortable to stay here?
• Will our overnight accommodation be suitable?
• Where's the nearest toilet that Marie will be able to access?
• Where can we find somewhere to eat?
• Where can I park the car?

...And similar issues.

Most of the time we're out, I'm monitoring Marie's mood. Is she getting anxious? Will we have to leave here? It's hard to relax since I'm on a constant state of alert.

Marie really enjoyed her trip; but she too was exhausted by the time we returned home. All that time away from her safest place had taken its toll.

Collette & fiancé Neil
In addition, we have anticipatory anxiety at the moment. My daughter Collette is getting married tomorrow (Thursday). Marie and I have visited the wedding venue. We have planned where she will sit. And where she will sit if she gets too anxious to remain in her first choice place. We have planned how to get there separately, since I have to accompany my daughter. How the children will get there, and who will keep an eye on them until I arrive (Marie can't, for example, take them to the toilet). We have planned where our two cars will be parked (one at each end of the building). How she will get to the toilets. Who will look after the children if I have to help her to go somewhere. And, if the worst happens, how she will get away from the wedding and who she will stay with then, since I cannot leave until the wedding reception is over.

So as you can see, I won't be able to relax at my daughter's wedding, either - unless Marie is having a good day.

It's most likely that the wedding will pass off smoothly and without Marie having a panic attack. But until then, anticipatory anxiety rules. It's not easy for Marie.

And I stay stressed.